In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
