I wish you could order shots online.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
