I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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