Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
