Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize