girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
