So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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