I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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