Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
