Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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