I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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