they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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