i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
