smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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