If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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