Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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