Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
