I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Enjoy the penises
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
