well you can't waste a boner
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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