I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
