I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Randomize
