can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
