dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
