What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
