I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
