Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
