i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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