I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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