Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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