my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
