No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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