JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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