Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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