Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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