Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize