Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
