I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
