how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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