Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
