I need help removing her.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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