i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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