i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
