Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I would fuck him just for his dog
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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