I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize