Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
