When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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