mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
