my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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