You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
