Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
