idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
