never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize