Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hippo gnu deer
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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