look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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