The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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