Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
