You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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