Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Please don't give away my fajitas
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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