Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
