and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
