Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
